I’ve always been a contrarian as far as I can remember. But now, it’s going to another dimension. Instantly, my brain seems to come up with the exact opposite reasoning as to why the thing you just told me I should do is bullshit. People are like, “Oh, I’d just be afraid my kid wouldn’t get socialized if he didn’t go to public school.” Socialized?
I’m instantly like, “Well, most serial killers attended public school.” It’s true yet it sends shock waves through a person. Like, you could take a quick stab at my life decisions but when I do the exact same to you it’s offensive? I’m over it.
I’ve nearly stopped talking with many people around me because anything out of my mouth is like a fomenting revolution. They don’t want to hear it. Nobody wants to know a spiral shaped garden may be the most efficient. Nobody wants to hear the banking system is rigged to prevent you from getting off grid. People aren’t thinking of launching a school based on homesteading (and people who are instantly stop when they come up against the government regulations that would need to be met but that’s a story for another day). Come to think of it, I’ve nary a friend to actually talk with about anything and perhaps this is one reason I should likely launch a Youtube page. I think it would be healthy for me to get out of my own head.
Yes, at bare minimum, I should start getting out and associating with like minded people. It would do me good. At clothed maximum, there just isn’t enough money I can ever make fast enough in my current job to do all the projects I visualize. It’s been a curse my whole life- my head is FULL of the biggest ideas imaginable while the funding to achieve said ideas is non-existent. It’s slow creative torture. Literally, I’ve now taken to praying to God to please stop filling my head with ideas he is not willing to fund.
“God, if you’re not paying for it then just take it away.”
It worked for a little while then recently the pattern started back up again…
I came across an opportunity to purchase a dream property I’d been eyeballing for years. 10 acres compared to my paltry .75 of an acre. It’s everything I need to launch every type of business I’ve ever dreamed plus conduct the craziest Permaculture experiments in my head. However, the only way to take a chance at it was to sell my house and put my wife and kids in discomfort. After a lot of thought I couldn’t bring myself to do that. It was too big of a risk.
Now I wish I could go back to when a property like that would never be available for me. Because then, it was a fantasy I was in love with. It gave me something to dream about. It was always just out of reach so the fantasy remained. Now that the property was handed to me on a silver platter and I didn’t have the finances to pull the trigger, it has all inverted and become about ME: unprepared, broke, incapable, doomed. Stuck with this head full of amazing ideas that will never see the light of day but rather rot away inside my skull.
I did a mock-up Permaculture design for the 10 acre property and saw how AMAZING it was going to be and now my own little property I used to be in love with lost its shine. I don’t even know how that works- How can you be presented with amazing opportunities that ultimately just become temptation that drives you into self-loathing? It doesn’t seem the universe should work like that but it often does. The universe is a trixter. And it holds all the power to play whatever tricks it wants whenever it feels.
What I’m getting at is I really don’t see any other option at this point but to purchase a decent camera and start my Youtube page. I don’t care about making money but that’s exactly what just cost me my dream property. I never cared about making money so I never did. But now that I’m older it means there are consequences and when the dream property became available there was no funding. I’m pissed.
I think I have a poor relationship with money because I violently hate it. I hate that it makes the world turn. I hate that it gives all the wrong people authority over all the right people. I hate that it exists really, because I honestly don’t get why some fool invented it. It’s like a stupid invention to me. I don’t understand why society would want to move away from Agrarianism. It doesn’t make sense. Why give taxes to a something I never voted for? Never even volunteered for! Ugh, it’s so ugly.
Well, I also hate to think I’m becoming the crazy artist who is incapable of managing the basics of his own business. That seems like what’s up, so if I’m gonna have any chance at landing that dream property to see if my designs could have any impact on civilization… I’m gonna have to take my chances Vlogging on Youtube. I have to get a decent camera, and start trying to make something different of myself than what I was before.